Therapist Reveals How She Responded When Her Daughter Told Her 'The Unthinkable'

When you’re raising kids, there will be times when they come out with expressions or sentiments that leave you feeling really uncomfortable. They might even tell you they wish you – or another family member – was dead. Such was the case for clinical psychologist and author Dr Martha Deiros Collado, whose eldest daughter calmly told her after bathtime one evening: “Mummy, I sometimes wish my baby sister wasn’t alive.”Dr Deiros Collado said in an Instagram reel that when parents hear this kind of comment, it can really “sting” and make emotions “spike up”. But her response to the admission from her six-year-old wasn’t to be shocked, or to fix it, or dismiss it as not true. Instead, she said: “Thank you for telling me that. I’m really pleased you can share that with me. I love you so much and I totally get why sometimes you wish it was just the three of us. Do you miss it?”Why did she respond this way?The psychologist, who has penned a book called The Smartphone Solution, said her daughter replied that she did miss that time. The parent added that they then talked about it for a little bit, and carried on as normal with bedtime.The expert suggested when kids make comments like this, they’re looking for “acceptance”.She said: “My daughter was saying: ‘do you still love me even though sometimes I really wish she wasn’t alive? Can you tolerate this part of me that doesn’t like my sister, like not even a little bit?’.”The psychologist said, as parents, “we need to show up in a way that positions us on their side, so we can protect them, so we can guide them, so we can be their best support”.For kids growing up in the digital age, having a parent who they can turn to – and feel comfortable sharing their thoughts with, or what they have seen online – is even more important. In the caption for her video, Dr Deiros Collado wrote: “In family therapy, we learn to accept every part of our children – even the parts that say things we find hard to hear. Extreme expressions are often signs of emotional overwhelm, not literal intent.“If we focus only on the words, we miss the chance to say:‘I see you. I understand you. I love you no matter what.’”In response to her reel, people shared how they might’ve reacted to such a statement from their child. “I’ve responded in this way when one of my children has said things like this to me when it’s just the two of us. Curious how to handle it if they say things like this in front of each other though, I find that harder!” said one mum.Another said: “Wow, I’m not sure I would have responded like that… but I’m glad you’ve posted it; just in case it ever happens and I’ll try and remember to react differently.”Most experts agree that it’s best to react calmly when a child says something hurtful – whether directed at you personally or another person.Counsellor Hayley Vaughan-Smith wrote for They Are The Future, “when your child says hurtful things ... emotionally they are trying to tell you something”.In her experience, most times a child will say hurtful things if they are “hurting in some way” and “trying to communicate something difficult”.As parents, it’s our job to help figure out what that is, how we can support them through it – and let them know we love them no matter what. Related...Can A Lying Game Help Kids Open Up About School? Here's What Therapists SayI'm A Therapist – Teen Rejection Is Hard. Here's What I Want Parents To Know'Rough Childhood' Posts Are A 'Disturbing Trend' From Parents, Warns Therapist

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