'I've Carried The Mental Load For 7 Years. I Can't Look At My Husband Anymore'

The mental load is often carried by women. But how can you deal when resentment builds up?A mother has opened up about the “resentment” she feels towards her husband after doing the bulk share of childcare, domestic work, and carrying the mental load for years.The burnt out parent said on Reddit that for seven years they have been “the only one doing the night wakes, doctors appts, household errands and majority of the cleaning (until about 6 months ago), and anything dealing with school”.“I am so mentally tired,” they added.The mum, whose children are all under the age of seven, said in the now-deleted post, “the resentment I have for doing this all alone is eating me alive”.“I cannot look at my husband the same anymore. I don’t love him the same anymore. All the dirty work with raising kids is done, because of me,” she said. For women in heterosexual relationships, the invisible load is real – one study found mums take on 71% of all household mental load tasks. These tasks range from planning meals and arranging activities to managing household finances. In comparison, dads take on 45%. The impact of this unequal division of tasks, which can often go unnoticed, is not to be underestimated, as co-author and political scientist Dr Ana Catalano Weeks said: “It can lead to stress, burnout and even impact women’s careers. In many cases, resentment can build, creating strain between couples.”How to deal when resentment builds up in a relationshipFirst of all, your feelings are validFor anyone experiencing these feelings of resentment over the division of what is often an invisible workload, BACP registered therapist Nicola Ball said: “You are not alone, and what you’re describing is something I hear far more often than people might imagine – especially from mothers in the early, intense years of raising children.”While it is possible to come back from this place, the therapist said this won’t happen without change. “Resentment is not a sign that you’ve failed,” she added, “it’s a signal that your needs have gone unmet for too long. It’s the body and mind’s natural response to feeling unseen, unsupported, and emotionally overloaded. It’s also a protective response to chronic self-sacrifice.”Therapist Roya Rahmanzadeh, also a BACP member, acknowledged it can “feel like a betrayal when one partner finds that it is always their needs that are overlooked”. “What I often see in therapy is that resentment tends to grow when there’s a mismatch between what’s expected and what’s actually happening – especially when the emotional weight of parenting goes unacknowledged,” she said.“That kind of ongoing mismatch can really alter how safe and supported someone feels in their relationship.”So, what can parents in this position do?Communication is keyRaising kids is hard work – as Amanda Macdonald, a BACP registered therapist, puts it: “It’s exhausting and rewarding and can introduce resentment to what was previously a fun and loving relationship.”But something she’s witnessed professionally is that communication can “make such a difference”. That said, finding time to talk things over when you have children is a lot harder than it was pre-kids. “When I work with people who are experiencing these types of feelings, a practical step to introduce is to find time to talk to your partner about how you are feeling,” said Macdonald.“There is some personal reflecting as well that can be done, and therapy is a great place to do this – it can be helpful to consider if feeling like this is something new, or has it come up before at other times in life?”To prevent resentment from building up, communication – especially as and when issues come up – needs to be “really baked-in to the relationship”, noted the therapist. “The other partner may be totally unaware of what is going wrong, and this apparent lack of awareness can also add to the resentment,” she noted. Analyse how the responsibilities have been shared outBACP registered counsellor, Georgina Sturmer, said every family and relationship has its own balance of who does what, but the key is to look at whether responsibilities are shared fairly – and if not, then you need to be asking: why not? “If this is something that was discussed and negotiated a while ago, then is it possible that you simply need to renegotiate the division of labour?” she asked.“Or if these boundaries have never really been discussed, then it might be time to take a more proactive approach to changing how things are managed at home.”It’s also worth exploring why you have ended up taking on this load as part of this analysis. “Yes it’s true that it’s often the women who end up shouldering much of the responsibilities around childcare and the home,” said Sturmer.“But it’s also sometimes because of our own behaviour – particularly if we are naturally inclined towards people-pleasing, or putting everyone else before ourselves.”If you’re feeling resentment building up, the counsellor agreed communicating – and not just stewing in silence – is key. “Are you explicit and clear about your feelings? Or are you silently carrying your frustration, and becoming cross that he isn’t a mindreader?” she asked. “If it’s the latter, then be curious about what’s happening – and what it might be like to calmly share your feelings and suggest a new plan.”Talk about how you feel and what you needThe key here is to be specific and address one issue at a time, suggested Macdonald.“Use ‘I’ terms, such as ‘I feel exhausted’, ‘I need to have some time out’, rather than ‘you aren’t there are for me’, as this can prevent your partner from feeling blamed and becoming defensive,” she added.All of the therapists reiterated this doesn’t have to spell the end of a relationship – but regular communication and change has to happen.“When one partner is feeling so much resentment that they are considering leaving the relationship, it can be well worth taking steps to find the time to sit and talk, to revisit the hopes and dreams that you shared at the start of the relationship, and to find ways to work together to make things better for both of you,” Macdonald added. But if the same patterns continue despite the calls for change, Nicola Ball wants you to remember this: “Choosing to leave isn’t a failure – it’s an act of reclaiming your peace. You deserve rest. You deserve partnership. You deserve to feel seen.” Help and support:Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email [email protected] Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.Related...7 Sneaky Signs Of Resentment In Relationships11 Ways Parents Build Resentment In Their Kids Without RealisingI'm A Parenting Coach – If Your Teen Argues All The Time, Try This 1 Response

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