'My Toddler Only Wants Her Dad And It's Breaking Me'

How do you respond if your child is going through 'toddler refusal'?Lots of toddlers seem to go through a phase where they reject one of their parents – and oh boy can it hurt.Taking to Reddit recently, one mum going through it said her two-year-old only wants her dad. “I know this is ‘normal toddler behaviour’ and that kids go through stages like this, but it’s been going on for a few months now and it’s starting to really get to me,” said the parent.“Today I was outside with her and she got hurt. She was fine, but then she acted mad at me and wouldn’t let me comfort her – just wanted dad. It crushed me. I try so hard to be present and loving, but right now it feels like I’m not the parent she wants.”As children try to exert as much independence as possible – moving about unaided, eating their own dinner and playing alone – they might also start to lean towards one parent (and away from the other).If you’re ‘the shunned one’, you might find your toddler doesn’t want you to hug or touch them, or even read to or play with them anymore.While it can be pretty soul-destroying, Rachel Melville-Thomas, a child and adolescent psychotherapist, said it won’t last forever. And you’re certainly not alone.“It is quite common,” she told HuffPost UK. “It’s the task of toddlers to try to make sense of the family world, and who they are attached to. Sometimes they make very fixed decisions!”Why do some toddlers favour one parent over the other? People seem to have differing theories on this. A New York Times article suggested it’s a way of toddlers showing their independence, as they have few outlets for autonomy.Children are exploring decision-making at this age, and parental preference is one way to test it out, Dr Nia Heard-Garris, a physician at a children’s hospital in Chicago, told the publication.Melville-Thomas suggested young children are trying to understand how the family works and their role within it. “Some toddlers will be very sensitive to how much attention they receive from each parent – so may react really strongly to a loss of closeness to a particular parent,” she said.This loss of closeness could be as a result of a new baby, new working situation or other changes. “The reaction then is to save all their focus for the one they see most,” she continued.The therapist added that this is indeed a phase and “it tends not to last long, as the child develops and begins to accommodate the patterns of family life”.By the time your child is three or four years old, they learn to trust that both parents are equally caring and connected, she suggested.Gender also seems to play a part in who children choose to side with as they develop, the therapist has noticed.“Toddlers, at about two years, notice they share the same gender as one of the parents and just want to be with them and do the same things in a passionate process of ‘being the same’,” she said.“Then the opposite gender parent can be seen as different, and ‘not like me’ and can be pushed away. In same gender couples, the toddler might identify with the parent most like them – for example, the lively physical parent, or the quiet cuddly one – and then pull away from the other.”But when children reach about three years old, the reverse can happen, she adds – so the opposite gender or different personality parent becomes very exciting all of a sudden.How to cope if you’re the rejected parentWhile it’s nice to know it’s nothing personal, it can still suck if your child won’t even let you cuddle them after you’ve previously been so close.“Try not to take it personally and see the big picture of a toddler’s view of the world – it will change,” said Rachel Melville-Thomas.So what can you do in the meantime? Dunya Poltorak, a paediatric medical psychologist in Michigan, told NY Times we should listen to our child’s preferences, so if they refuse to hug you, just accept it. It’s really important to not take it personally or to show it bothers you.You can also see the plus side. A child showing they’re comfortable rejecting a parent means they’re securely attached – so your child knows the love you have for them is unconditional, according to Dr Heard-Garris.If you’re the parent who’s currently flavour of the month, there are things you can be doing to support your partner. Accept the situation for the time being, advised Melville-Thomas, while speaking warmly of the other parent, and gently encouraging the toddler to enjoy some time – whether that’s storytime, singing or play – with the other parent.Related...7 Small Parenting Wins That Will Actually Make A Difference With Your ToddlerCan Your Nipple *Actually* Fall Off While Breastfeeding? Here's What An Expert SaysParents Reveal Their Tried And Tested Methods For Weaning Babies Off Dummies

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