The Expert-Backed Way To Help Kids Who Fall Apart Over Mistakes

The parent of a six-year-old who “struggles with tasks due to perfectionism” has asked others for advice on how to help their child become less obsessed with getting things right all the time. In a Reddit post, they noted their child “will get angry and cry, [and] sometimes have a meltdown” if he can’t do something perfectly – a pattern they’ve spotted since he turned four. Perfectionism appears to be on the rise – especially in children and young people. One 2022 study (involving 16 to 25-year-olds) found 85% of them had perfectionist traits that were mostly focused on academic achievement.This is, understandably, stressful – and it can take its toll on both physical and mental health over time. Meeting parental and teacher expectations was often a source of distress, the study noted, but students also attributed it to their own achievement aspirations.Some teachers previously opened up about witnessing a trend where more children seem too afraid to try in case they fail – with pupils even dropping classes because they’re afraid of getting lower marks due to it being harder. And perfectionism isn’t just a trait that happens behind school gates. At home, the pattern can continue. Why do some children want to do everything perfectly?Psychotherapist and Counselling Directory member Holly Smith said there are a handful of root causes that might be behind this: learned behaviour, anxiety, or neurodivergence being some of them. In terms of learned behaviour, the therapist urged parents to pay close attention to what their child might witness in terms of the behaviour of close caregivers (including you).“How we talk to ourselves, each other and our children will always impact the behaviour they go on to develop,” she explained.If your child is neurodivergent, communication is key, as “whilst you might think your request encompasses all the nuances you may have intended, using too specific language, or indeed too vague language, can be very confusing for the child”, said Smith.“It’s always a good idea to check in with your child [about] what they have heard in your request and to expect the same of other caregivers and teachers, alike. Don’t be afraid to hold educational establishments to account.”This is because sometimes it isn’t the pursuit of perfection that’s triggering a meltdown, but rather a child following a rule (as they have understood it). “Be aware of your communication and offer freedom in how to complete a task,” Smith noted.Therapist and fellow Counselling Directory member Lauren Rosher notes that asking why it’s important for things to be right, in your child’s eyes, is important in helping determine what to do next.“Is it an issue around controlling their environment, is it an avoidance of feeling ashamed or embarrassed? Is it perhaps a neurodivergent trait of feeling sensory overwhelm when things don’t fit in their pattern perception?” she asked.“There’s a lot of working out to do on a parent’s front, particularly if you have a young or non-verbal child. Understanding the ‘why’ helps with compassion and self regulation so that when you’re helping a child through a pertinent experience for them, you can be with them and not with your own feelings.”How can I help them?It can be really hard to know what to do – and not to do – when it comes to raising a child who has to do things perfectly. For Dr Patapia Tzotzoli, clinical psychologist and founder of My Triage Network, reading books about failing, or making mistakes, can be a great starting point.“Storytelling is a great way to help children understand that not everything has to be perfect,” she told HuffPost UK.“Depending on their developmental age, stories like The Magnificent Thing by Ashley Spires and The Book of Mistakes by Corinna Luyken beautifully show that mistakes are part of the creative process and can lead to unexpected outcomes.”One parent on Reddit noted that books have been really helpful for them. Their child, who is five (and a bit of a perfectionist), likes The Magical Yet – whenever their child can’t do something, her parents follow it up with “yet”.They added: “We purposely try new things we suck at in front of her and talk through our emotions. It’s worked quite well and mostly after a fit, when she’s calmed down, she realises she just needs to practice.”In a similar vein, Dr Tzotzoli suggested parents might want to share real-life stories of famous people who failed repeatedly before succeeding “to normalise imperfection as part of mastery”, as well as to model it in daily life: “For example, allowing the house to be ‘good enough’, laughing at their own mistakes, and showing that their worth isn’t defined by flawlessness.“Using humour, self-compassion, and open reflection helps children internalise that this is far more realistic and healthier than aiming for perfection.”For Rosher, a helpful strategy with her own daughter has been to have rescue remedies that they agree on to hand.She offered the example: “When my daughter does her school homework, I cut up lots of paper squares so that way if she makes a mistake (that she recognises) we can cover it and write for example the number the other way round and stick it on-top.”When perfectionism leads to meltdowns... It can be so hard when your child is trying to do something perfectly and you can see them spiralling towards a meltdown. Smith suggested “fear of getting something wrong, being in trouble or genuinely not understanding what happens in the absence of perfection usually sit at the root” of such meltdowns.But by the time the meltdown is in full swing, all rational thoughts have gone out of the window, which makes it very hard for parents to react.“The fear response caused by the anxiety of the unknown, the assumed, or the feared creates a host of chemical reactions in the body with adrenaline and cortisol taking centre stage,” she explained.In this whirlwind, it’s important for parents to find their own calm and monitor their own adrenaline levels – “if the [child] can hold your hand or maintain eye contact and see your calm, this can help them re-regulate,” said Smith. “This is called co-regulation.“A calm, gentle tone, slow repeated statement of ‘I’m here. You’re safe. Everything is ok’ [and] ‘I love you’ can do wonders. The key is patience. If you seek to control the situation from a place of fear or embarrassment yourself, fear just gets bigger.”Dr Tzotzoli said the “antidote to perfectionism that leads to frustration or meltdowns” is, what she calls “a growth mindset”.“This involves parents helping their children see that failure isn’t the end of the story but it’s part of it. They can help reframe setbacks as information, not identity.”Once the meltdown has passed, and things are much calmer, you could say something like: “This way didn’t work, so what else can you try?” That way, children have the opportunity to “internalise this message and integrate it into their narrative”, added the expert. Plus, when they’re feeling calm, they’re also more likely to be receptive to practising coping strategies.“Parents can encourage them to pause, breathe deeply, step away, or do something grounding, like taking a short walk or to have a mantra such as ‘Progress, not perfection’ or ‘Mistakes help me learn’ to help them regulate and refocus when emotions run high,” she said.“Over time, these micro-interventions teach children emotional flexibility by showing that their value lies not in doing everything right, but in being willing to try again.”Related...Meltdowns In Kids With AuDHD Are Never 'A Choice'. This 1 Response Can HelpThere's A Reason Your Child's After-School Meltdowns Are So Explosive'My 5-Year-Old Does This 1 Thing Before Bed And It's Banished Bedtime Meltdowns'

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