I'm A Therapist – Say This 1 Thing To Your Kid If They Bite Another Child

Biting is normal kid behaviour – here's how you can help build empathy after they do it.If there’s one thing I’ve come to learn (and have unfortunately experienced firsthand) in the past few years, it’s that young kids like to use their teeth to try and make a point – whether that’s to convey teething pain, air annoyance because someone snatched something, for sensory-seeking purposes or to handle some other frustration they can’t quite put into words.But what happens when your child bites another kid in your presence? What should you say to them? Ryan Allen is an early childhood mental health therapist and the author of children’s book, Friends Are Not For Biting. In a video on TikTok, he suggested a simple 30-second response to teach a child empathy after they’ve bitten someone. The phrase helps to name the emotion the biter is feeling – for example, anger – but then puts the focus on the other child who got hurt and how they’re feeling.“Once the situation has calmed or if it’s calm enough, you can make sure you point out the child’s emotion – the one who bit – you can say: ‘I know you were feeling angry’, which encourages them to reflect on their own emotions,” said Allen. “At the same time, encourage them to look at the other child.”And then you can say: “You were feeling really angry and you bit. Biting is not OK. Look at your friend, they are sad. They got hurt because you bit,” he suggested.Try to stay calm and hold your boundarySpeaking on the Securely Attached podcast, clinical psychologist Dr Sarah Bren reiterated that if a parent sees their child biting another child, they should try to stay calm – because if they’re biting, they’re probably dysregulated. “And so we do not want to come in hot and pour gasoline on their fire, it will make it worse,” she explained.The psychologist recommended a couple of ways she deals with biting. The first is to say: “I’m not going to let you bite. It’s not safe,” and to then physically block the child from biting another child, or to move away (if the child is trying to bite the parent).“If me setting that limit is not enough to keep them from wanting to continue to approach and hurt another child, I’m going to physically remove them and say, ‘you’re showing me you cannot be safe right now. I’m going to move you over here. I’m going to help you calm your body down’,” she added.The next important step is to attend to the child’s who’s been bitten and make sure they’re OK by naming what happened and soothing them. Then she’ll speak to the child who did the biting and work on calming them down. “I’m not going to get mad at them, I’m going to communicate my boundary,” she explained.The therapist noted that a child might have a tantrum after being told they can’t bite, but the key is holding the boundary and not letting them do it anyway. “The child could really lose their shit after you have told them that they can’t do this thing that’s not safe – and we’re still going to consider that a success from a parenting standpoint. You’ve held the boundary, the child’s had their big meltdown, but you’re not letting them bite,” she said. Other ways to nip biting behaviour in the budStudies on biting in young children have highlighted a handful of measures that might prevent future incidents. These include: Avoidance of stressful situations, frustrations and conflicts.Observation of how, when and why a child bites (to help guide future management).Paying attention first to the victim, not the biter.Firm statements to the biter that this is not acceptable behaviour.Directing the biter to appropriate activities (ie. giving them a teether if they’re struggling with teething pain or teaching them how to ask for help if they get frustrated and bite as a result).Positive reinforcement of appropriate behaviour.If your child is frequently and aggressively biting other children, you might want to seek specialist advice from a child psychologist or behaviour specialist.Related...I'm A Therapist – A Simple Question Can Help Stop A Tantrum In Its TracksWhen Is A Child's Rage More Than Just A Tantrum?This 1 Response To Toddler Tantrums Will 'Change Your Life'

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